Still in shock.

I did not expect to be in this situation I am in.

I did mostly everything and as much as I could the right way.

I don’t really drink. I don’t smoke. I had home births. I breastfed. I cloth diapered.

I was a vegetarian for so long and then a pescatarian.

I’ve been a good girl.

And now…. well, now I have breast cancer.

I wished for my 40th year of life to be vibrant, and maybe I should have used another word. Vibrant doesn’t necessarily equate to pleasurable or fun. I wanted to feel life intensely this year, so I got what I asked for.

I found out yesterday around 5pm when my doctor called to tell me the results. I felt bad for her. I felt bad that she had to deliver such shitty news to someone who was alone and freaking out. I was really freaking out. I am so thankful that my neighbor, Emily, was home. She opened her doors and I started sobbing into her arm as she cried with me. I feel so lucky to have had her there. She comforted me and assured me that I will be ok, no matter what. She is a mom and a nursing professor, so she blended those two things beautifully to distract me until Phillip got to my house.

I felt like a million thoughts were firing off in my head at once. I was unsure if I should stand or sit. I didn’t know if things were up or down. It felt traumatic. I thought of my children the most. They’re at their father’s house, and I dread telling them. I worry about how scared they will be. I know from my own experience with my own dad. I don’t wish this on them. They don’t deserve it.

I sent my results over to my friend Rosie, who is a “cancer scientist” (I don’t know her official title) but she reassured me that I have the “good cancer” and it’s stage 1, so this is great news. I immediately felt calmer. I felt relieved. I spoke to my friend Gwen who has gone through this herself. She also made me feel better. She was real with me but assured me that I will be ok. I spoke to my sister who works in oncology and she also assured me that I would be ok. I feel so lucky to have these women who have experience with this to calm my incredibly anxious brain down. I needed it and it felt like a gift.

I feel lucky that I caught this early. I feel lucky that I have people that care about me. I feel lucky that I know people who are smarter than me about this and can guide me on things that are uncharted territory for me.

I am still scared. But I am hopeful. I want to be here for my kids and I want to focus on being happy and feeling joy. That’s all I’m going to focus on.